I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
