Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
