His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
