he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
