if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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