Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
