Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize