Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
