I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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