if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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