Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
