I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
