On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
