First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
