so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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