Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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