Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
