Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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