I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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