cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
