a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
