Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
