What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
