those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
