My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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