these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
