Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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