Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
