you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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