My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Everclear isn't food dammit
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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