so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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