What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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