i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
