They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
