No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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