The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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