I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
