I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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