I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Four minutes until I can fart!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
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i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
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I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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