You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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