proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
