You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
