i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
well you can't waste a boner
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
