he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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