I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
