I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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