she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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