Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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