The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
