On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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