on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
