I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
