my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
