her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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