there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I need a beard to bite.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
