I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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