literally had 100 drinks last night.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
