Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You were trust falling into bushes
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
