Don't make out with my wife yet
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
